The Art and Craft of Letting Go

When I reflect on the fate of life by looking at the experiences of all the people I can see through whatever mediums, I realise just one reality to be truer than any other truth, which is that -  

कहीं किसी को मुक़म्मल जहाँ नहीं मिलता, 

कहीं जमीं तो कहीं आसमां नहीं मिलता 

                                                   - शहरयार

The meaning of this phrase is very deep. It states the truism that 'never does anyone get a complete or perfect world as at some places one doesn't get the land and at another the sky is missing'. This Urdu couplet doesn't only talk about the imperfect nature of the attainment of the world. It also talks about the insatiable aspirations of human beings. As our aspirations keep rising, all humans face the same feeling of disappointment of not having attained what we wanted to notwithstanding whether or not the desired goal was of a real need/benefit/use. But the couplet is not about the ambitions and aspirations and their blind-foldedness alone. It is more about the fact that all humans are united in the experience of this same frustration as life is imperfect and it is so meant to be. 

This thus makes it important to learn to let go. Let go of what cannot be. Let go of what need not be. Let go of what is not desired nor is good. Let go of what is not a choice of your own but an imposition alone. However to be able to let go of something, it is important to understand that letting go doesn't mean the same thing as giving up. Letting go doesn't mean that you stop trying and rather it means the exact opposite, it means that you let the old pass and try for the new with a new hope and a new zeal. Letting go is not an acceptance of defeat but an acceptance of fate and the all-powerfulness of time. Letting go is at times an acceptance of a past mistake and at another time it is a decision to not continue committing an act that has now become a mistake. 

Why is Letting Go difficult to achieve?

Letting Go is painful and is hence very difficult to achieve. The more we love a person, the more averse we are to causing any harm or pain to them. As we love ourselves the most, we are the most averse to causing any harm or pain to ourselves. Not all human beings (and not at all times) are able to realise and understand that harm and pain are not coterminous. 

How could a person who is once bitten twice shy take a voluntary bite of letting go? One can only let go off a thing when one has a long term vision of life. To understand that holding on to something that is wrong can cause a long term harm which may be more painful requires an advanced level of cognitive abilities for complex decision making.

Emotions and Attachments make it harder to let go. The more is the number, variety and proximity of memories and objects with linkages to memories, the harder it is to let go. Sometimes the social and cultural norms create hurdles in letting go by making it a disgraceful and socially looked down upon activity or by doing so with the methods and mechanisms which a person may need to employ to let go. Letting go can be difficult at times due to the fact that the past was beautiful and glorious and it is difficult to let go of the best time's memory as it creates a fear of making life dull, shaking self-confidence, and creating a void in the emotional and egoistic space. 

This is the reason that almost all of us face the challenge in letting go of something or the other in our lives. 

How could we learn to Let Go? 

1. Understand the goal and meaning of letting go.
   
   
   The most common strategy used by people is to strive for and attain a better or best possible outcome especially from the perspective of the most pinching loss. E.g., after losing a high paying job due to work pressure, the employee again seeks a job with better income. 
   This strategy is not really letting go but rather the act of revenge to attain satisfaction of the ego. 
   Letting go requires to first understand that ego is secondary and often fooled by social conditioning. Letting go aims at better life outcomes, better personal growth and striving towards our true callings and goals. 
   
   
2. Slow down the process. 
   
   
   To overcome the attractions of 'revenge' in letting go, one needs to slow down the reaction time and subsequent decisions till the time the after shocks of the loss have receded or passed. Involvement in pleasure or playful activity, family time, pursuing of passion, attainment of knowledge or new skills, and travelling etc. can help in a big way to bear with the turbulent times. It takes an active effort and close support to make it work (support is possible in the form of emotional support or spiritual support). 
   
   
3. Keep the past at bay.
   
   
   The memories of the past need to be kept at bay. It may mean removing decorations, deleting or hiding pictures to even blocking parts of own memory and cutting off from some people, activity or place. 
   
   
4. Learn the lessons from the past.
   
   
   A thorough self reflection (and at times assisted reflection) is necessary to understand where our priorities and attention or focus and effort went wrong and whether and to what extent was our decision faulty and for what reasons. It is important to be self critical in this exercise and aware of our own true nature as much as it is to understand the fault in the others.
   
   
5. Move On.
   
   
   Moving on may mean a new job, a new relationship, a new marriage etc. Moving on is also possible by involvement in a completely new kind of activity, eg. a widow home maker can find a job or to get involved in a challenging  job, eg. a bigger work profile with greater responsibility or work load. Moving on doesn't mean forgetting the past, but just realising and keeping focus on the fact that creating the future is a greater responsibility. 
   
   
   However it is most important to keep the lessons of the reflection close to ensure that moving on doesn't mean committing the same mistake or the same kind of mistake. 
   
   
6. Stick to the decision. 
   
   
   The process of letting go begins with a decision to let go which itself comes from an intensive churning of thoughts and all efforts must be made to respect that decision of the past and all bates and slippery surfaces must be avoided to avoid falling back to the same situation it took so much effort to come out from. 
   
   
   However this is not to say to never give or take second chances, but only to caution against the possibility of it going worse than earlier. In any case, it is most beneficial to attempt moving on honestly before accepting that going back is worth the risk and effort. 
   
   

The Art of Living is not so much about making more and more effort to attain whatever we set our eyes on but rather to learn to Let Go and change goal posts while there is still time to make the best use of our rest of the lives in the attainment of whatever is our true calling or need or desire.